Here is the normal way I get into a car: I open the door. I sit down. I adjust the seat. I check the mirrors. And then I silence the navigation system voice for all eternity.
I think it’s time to discuss the major benefits of smartphones, the mobile technology that allows us to communicate with people sitting nine feet away without actually speaking to them.
There is currently a hurricane bearing down on the East Coast, and today’s top climatologists and government officials all agree there is only one thing left for able-bodied humans to do: panic.
I have recently come to the conclusion that renting a car in today’s world is the closest we come to dealing with real-life pop-up ads.
Today I am going to bring up an issue that has been seriously and dramatically plaguing our society for several decades now. I am referring, of course, to corporate capitalization.
Last week, I had two separate human beings send me text messages asking why I didn’t like their Instagram posts. I want you to think about this for a second. Two separate human beings. Sent me text messages. To find out why I didn’t like their Instagram posts.
So I’m sitting in the back of an Uber the other day. It’s a Nissan Altima, the last-generation model, the one where it looks like the rear tail lights were styled using the rare Photoshop feature More Turn Signal. The driver is yammering away on the phone. And he’s cruising along about three inches from the car in…
It’s happened to all of us. Your plane is delayed. You’re going to miss your connection. They lost your bag. You’re sitting on the tarmac, but they can’t let you into the airport because your gate is occupied. There are unforeseen mechanical troubles. The flight is cancelled because the pilot is revealed to be a…
I’ve recently come into contact with several customer service people who don’t really serve the customer. I’m not entirely sure who these people serve. I think maybe they just play Minesweeper all day.
Ladies and gentlemen, I come to you today with an important news bulletin: there are still human beings, walking among us, who pay for things with cash.
Our country is currently mired in a nationwide health food epidemic. I know this because people who were previously normal, regular human beings keep coming up and talking to me about kale.
I recently spent the evening screaming at my friends. This took place at one of those upscale restaurants where you ask for “tap water” and they look at you like you’re trying to take a selfie of your butt cheeks.
I’d like to take a moment here to share with you something troubling I learned over the weekend: the great Australian capital city of Canberra has been invaded by a giant monster made out of toilet paper. I discovered this surprising fact courtesy of Bluetooth.
Dear Potential Landlord,
Thank you so much for listing your apartment for rent on Craigslist. I really appreciate the ad; especially the part where you said “ABSOLUTELY NO PETS” followed by exactly 42 exclamation points. Had you used only 35 or even 39 exclamation points, I would’ve inquired about bringing my pet…
Today, we’re going to discuss the crazy Germans. You know the ones: they wear bizarre eyeglasses. They drive diesel hatchbacks. They use harsh, angry syllables, so you think they’re always plotting some brutally violent criminal activity, when actually they’re discussing train schedules.
Today’s column will provide a voice for the voiceless; an outlet for those poor souls among us who spend every day on the streets, only to be berated and abused by the wealthy upper crust. Yes, that’s right: I am referring to meter maids.
In the giant, all-encompassing list of life’s huge and enormous inconveniences, I would rank “receiving a voicemail” as number one. Death would be number two.
I have recently decided that I will never again visit a big box retail store. Never, ever, under any circumstances, ever, as long as I live, at any point, in my entire life, ever again. Unless it’s midnight and I have a craving for malted milk balls.
As many of you know, I recently moved to Philadelphia, a wonderful American city that’s home to excellent restaurants, and thrilling history, and beautiful architecture, and a wide range of bicyclists who received their training from the Grand Theft Auto franchise.
I recently returned from Europe, where I had a lovely vacation that primarily consisted of a) seeing all the wonderful, breathtaking, beautiful, historic sights that they have in Istanbul and Malta, and b) waiting for restaurant servers to bring me my bill.