Good day, people of Jalopnik, and welcome to your latest round of Letters to Doug, which involves a) you sending letters to Doug, and b) Doug listening to Jimmy Eat World. Occasionally, I also reply to one of your letters.
Good evening, men and women of Jalopnik, and welcome to Letters to Doug, your favorite weekly Jalopnik column wherein you provide the Letters and I provide the Doug.
Over the last few weeks, I’ve spent approximately 16 hours on commercial airplanes. This has given me ample time to read a wide range of automotive dealership complaints written by the kind of people who believe Applebee’s is fine dining. They seem to believe dealers are at fault for low trade-in offers. They’re wrong.
I was recently sitting around in my underwear, browsing the Internet for used cars at 4 a.m. This will come as a complete shock to those of you who know me, because I’m usually in bed by three.
As you read this, I am currently on vacation in Europe, a fantastic continent that I visit every so often in order to see beautiful sights, and eat amazing food, and flee all of my Range Rover problems.
I am proud to announce that I recently discovered the magic of Craigslist. What I mean by this is: I recently attempted to buy something on Craigslist, which I discovered is a futile task that should only be attempted by the clinically insane.
As many of you know, I've owned a series of remarkable cars in my lifetime. Porsche. Ferrari. BMW M. Mercedes AMG. Lotus. Land Rover. Cadillac CTS-V. And now, I'm adding another highly recognizable name to my unique car history: the Chrysler PT Cruiser.
Ladies and gentlemen, the day has come: it's time for a new list of unreliable CarMax cars. You know what this means: I'm excited. You're excited. And CarMax is probably going to raise the warranty prices on each of these by 50 percent the moment they see this list.
Well, everyone, it's Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday, and that means it's time for today's version of Letters to Doug, which is consistently Jalopnik's finest column each week, assuming you don't read any of the others.
Today's topic is: How to buy a used car without getting screwed. It's brought to you by your old pal Doug DeMuro, noted Jalopnik columnist, who once purchased a BMW M3 from a shady used car dealer whose sales manager insisted that I make out the check to him personally.
Recently, I've been getting a number of messages from readers inquiring about my next car. Dear Doug, these messages say. When are you going to get your head out of your ass and realize that the Lincoln Mark V is the car for you? Then they send me several grainy 1970s press photos of the Lincoln Mark V, which – for…
It happened about five months ago. I'm sitting around the house in my underwear, wondering how the hell Drew Carey puts up with all those aging Midwesterners who scream like an airplane-riding infant the second they win a bottle of Listerine. And I get a message from Jalopnik editorial fellow Chris Perkins.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, Christmas is upon us, and I've decided to celebrate in my own special way: by getting violently ill. That's right: for the last few days, I've been moving around the house with approximately the same level of energy as a three-toed sloth in a zoo enclosure. ("Look honey! There he is!! … No,…
Whenever people find out that I worked for Porsche, they always ask the same thing. They look at me for a second, then they think. Then they look at me again, and they think some more. And then they say: "Are you the asshole who designed the Panamera?"
Ladies and gentlemen, it has come to an end: you can no longer get a Range Rover from CarMax with a cheap bumper-to-bumper warranty.
Sometimes, when I'm bored, I like to go online and read angry customer complaints about used car dealers. Have you ever done this? I highly recommend it. Hearing from these people is fun, and it's entertaining, and it's a good reminder of why we have to put warning labels all over everything.
It happens every time I hang out with my car enthusiast friends: We're sitting there, chatting about cars, and eventually the discussion turns to the fact that you can buy a wide range of iconic used performance cars for approximately the same price as laundry detergent.
Today, we're going to cover a topic that has been plaguing neurotic car owners for decades: what do you do when your car reaches 100,000 miles?