Here Are The Coolest Features Of The 2014 Mercedes S-Class

Ladies and gentlemen of Jalopnik, prepare for a real treat today: I'm showing you some of the coolest features of the 2014 Mercedes S-Class.

I really like used cars. Regular readers already know this, because I'm constantly bragging about the Carmax warranty on my used Range Rover. "Your warranty is excellent!" I will often tell the salesman who sold it to me, over the telephone. To which he will proudly reply: "You've called me every day for a year! I don't even work there anymore! I was just doing that job to pay for grad school! If you contact me again, I'm going to the cops!" Really, it's personal relationships like these that ensure repeat business.

But the problem with used cars, even ones from Carmax, is that you don't really get access to the latest features. I know this because I'm often given press cars, and they usually have all sorts of cool new features that my Range Rover doesn't have, even though these cars cost something like $19,000. For example: Chrysler's Uconnect infotainment system tells you when your favorite song is on the radio. Whereas my Range Rover's infotainment system sometimes has trouble reading my burned Jimmy Eat World CDs. This is, of course, a warranty issue, and I plan on informing my salesman the moment the restraining order is lifted.

Anyway: because I don't often have access to the latest and greatest technology, you can imagine my excitement when a friend and Jalopnik reader told me a couple of weeks ago that we could, if I wanted, "borrow" his father's new S-Class for a few hours. I think I mulled this over for approximately nine seconds before saying yes.

But here's the thing: anyone can drive an S-Class. In fact, all the major magazines probably already did, and while I haven't read their reviews, I can bet they went something like this:

1. The new S-Class rides better than the old one.
2. The new S-Class handles better than the old one.
3. The new S-Class accelerates better than the old one.
4. The new S-Class is so much more rigid than the old one that the old one may have been made entirely out of balsa wood.
5. Basically, the old S-Class was total shit, and we can't believe any of you jackasses would stoop so low as to buy one, even though we said six years ago that it was the best car we had ever driven.

In other words: clearly, the experts have already spoken. So rather than get behind the wheel and take the S-Class on the road, I decided to spend a few hours getting acquainted with its myriad of lavish features. Unfortunately, this did not include the much-publicized fragrance dispenser, as my friend's father decided — presumably after much careful thought — that this was the single stupidest thing he had ever heard of.

But that doesn't mean there's a shortage of unique, ridiculous, and absurdly over-the-top luxury features, as I've demonstrated in my latest video. So sit back, relax, and enjoy a five-minute preview of how you, too, could live, if only you had friends with wealthy parents.

@DougDeMuro is the author of Plays With Cars. He owned an E63 AMG wagon and once tried to evade police at the Tail of the Dragon using a pontoon boat. (It didn't work.) He worked as a manager for Porsche Cars North America before quitting to become a writer, largely because it meant he no longer had to wear pants. Also, he wrote this entire bio himself in the third person.