Yes, it’s true: the CTS-V Wagon is gone. And that means it’s time for us to choose a new car that I will buy, write about, and maybe even include in a few videos. Videos that will not, to be sure, involve picking up packing peanuts in a parking lot. No, sirree! That ship has sailed. And by the way: if anyone wants an entire full-size bag of biodegradable packing peanuts, e-mail me. Yes, I admit that a few leaves and twigs found their way into the bag, but I feel this gives the peanuts sort of an outdoorsy flair.
AUTHOR’S NOTE: There won’t be any humor in this post. This pains me deeply, because I love writing humor, if only so I can receive the occasional e-mail reminding me I’m not funny. It usually comes from Matt Hardigree. But there won’t be any humor here, largely because you aren’t going to read it anyway. What you’re going to do is scroll down and nominate the Miata. You bastard.
When I wrote the first ‘What car should I get’ post six months ago, none of you had any idea who I was. Now a few of you know who I am: that guy who wrote a book that other people seem to like. “I wonder if it’s available on iTunes,” you might be thinking. “Oh yes! It is! And also in paperback.” It’s really great of you to think all that, right here in the first few paragraphs.
The important thing is that since you now know me, you know my writing style. You know my flair for the zany, the wacky, the absurd. You probably remember that post where I said SUVs will die in ten years, and you’ve marked your calendar for October 23, 2023, so you can laugh in my face when it doesn’t happen. You know that I am, as described by one Hummer H2 owner, a “man bitch in a Cube.” So I have all that going for me.
What I’m getting at here is I don’t want a normal car. Anyone can review an M3, or a Miata, or that Ford that looks like an Aston-Martin. I want you to nominate something interesting. Something exciting. Something that you’ve always been curious about. Something that doesn’t get enough coverage in today’s mainstream automotive press. Something cool.
Now, on to the rules.
Feel free to nominate whatever you want below. But keep in mind the following few guidelines:
1. I have to be able to re-sell this car. For God’s sake, remember this one. This means you cannot, under any circumstances, suggest vehicles that no one will ever want to buy when I’m done, such as a troop transporter (ahem), an old fire engine, a riding lawnmower with a small-block V8, or a Lincoln Aviator.
2. The budget is $40,000. OK, maybe $50,000. Hell, just nominate stuff and we’ll see what it costs. But as a general rule: the more expensive the car, the more reliable it must be. I’m not going to spend big money on a car that blows up every time I drive it.
3. I do not possess a garage. I can rent a garage for one hundred and sixty-seven tax-deductible dollars per month. If you nominate the kind of car that requires a garage, I will glare at you. Then I will consider it.
4. Remember, above all else, we want this car to be interesting. We want it to be exciting. We want you to see a headline with it six months from now that reads: I’m Selling The Whatever Whatever, and you say, “OH DARN! I LOVED THE WHATEVER WHATEVER!” What we want to avoid is you getting bored after one or two columns and clicking on Travis’s posts instead.
5. A link to an actual car you’re talking about would be really nice. Yes, it would be cool to have a Volkswagen Golf that’s been converted into a helicopter. But does it exist? (NOTE: if you find a Volkswagen Golf that’s been converted into a helicopter, I will probably buy it.)
6. We want the car to be a manual. Right? Don’t we?!
Unlike last time, I’ve decided to expand this contest to Twitter (you can find me here), where I have a massive following that primarily consists of my mother and hundreds of people who generally ignore me. The contest ends Sunday, December 14, at 11 a.m. my time. As you can see above, there are three categories and – for the lucky winners – three distinct, incredibly valuable, highly sought-after prizes.
The categories and prizes are:
1. Worst suggestion. Jalopnik’s own Michael Ballaban may have won this earlier today by suggesting the 2014 Toyota Corolla, but I’m leaving it open in case someone feels brave enough to try and take him down. Here, too, it’d be nice if you submit a link along with your suggestion. For instance: we all know a 4-cylinder Isuzu Amigo is a bad idea. But you can’t just say that. You have to find one. Preferably with 1990s-style pastel lettering on the side.
The prize here is a set of Hummer H2 bedsheets, which I bought last year for thirty bucks at a rest stop in Tennessee. I’m not kidding. They have never been used, much like a Hummer H2 off the pavement. (Ba-dum tshh!)
2. Best car I’d buy if I could find. What’s the best suggestion of a car that would be perfect to write about, if only I could find one? The key here is to find some car that would be really, really, almost absurdly cool, except that it’s really hard to find. Note that this means the car actually has to be really hard to find. You can’t just suggest the Honda Pilot. Those are everywhere. My neighbor has one of those. You’ll need to try harder.
The prize here is a Jeep baseball cap, which I received for free at a Jeep press event. I would make a joke here about Jeeps never being used off the pavement, but there are a lot of Jeep people on this site, and many of them have guns. So with that in mind, let me say that this hat would be perfect for hunting.
3. Biggest surprise suggestion. The goal here is to come up with a suggestion that surprises me. Something I hadn’t considered. Something I didn’t know existed. Something so exciting and unusual that merely seeing it might cause me to make a verbal utterance of surprise, despite the fact that I’m sitting here by myself. That’s when you’ve really succeeded.
The prize here is a Cadillac Escalade beach towel, which I have used many times. In fact, I might be currently wrapped in it as I write this, unless you find that creepy, in which case I am definitely not currently wrapped in it, but man is it soft. BONUS: I will wash this before I send it to you. CAUTION: I may use it again after I wash it, if I run out of towels.
In terms of the Twitter contest, I am the overall judge and jury, which means I could award the prizes to my mother. Unfortunately, much like the rest of my Twitter followers, she also generally ignores me. So that’s unlikely.
So now: let’s get started! Bring on your suggestions, bring on your tweets, and for God’s sake, someone please get these Hummer H2 bedsheets out of my house.
@DougDeMuro is the author of Plays With Cars. He operates PlaysWithCars.com. He owned an E63 AMG wagon and once tried to evade police at the Tail of the Dragon using a pontoon boat. (It didn't work.) He worked as a manager for Porsche Cars North America before quitting to become a writer, largely because it meant he no longer had to wear pants. Also, he wrote this entire bio himself in the third person.