Dear Craigslist Landlord: You Suck

Dear Potential Landlord,

Thank you so much for listing your apartment for rent on Craigslist. I really appreciate the ad; especially the part where you said “ABSOLUTELY NO PETS” followed by exactly 42 exclamation points. Had you used only 35 or even 39 exclamation points, I would’ve inquired about bringing my pet… » 5/14/15 2:51pm 5/14/15 2:51pm

Google Street View Isn’t An Invasion Of Privacy, It’s Awesome

Today, we’re going to discuss the crazy Germans. You know the ones: they wear bizarre eyeglasses. They drive diesel hatchbacks. They use harsh, angry syllables, so you think they’re always plotting some brutally violent criminal activity, when actually they’re discussing train schedules. » 5/07/15 1:25pm 5/07/15 1:25pm

Dear Call Center Guy: I’m Sorry I Yelled At You

As many of you know, I've been doing the whole "self-employed writer" thing for about two years now. This job has presented many challenges, such as the one that comes when you realize it's lunch time, and you have to put on clothes if you want to go outside and buy a sandwich. » 3/12/15 2:41pm 3/12/15 2:41pm

Craigslist Is A Terrible Place To Actually Buy Anything

I am proud to announce that I recently discovered the magic of Craigslist. What I mean by this is: I recently attempted to buy something on Craigslist, which I discovered is a futile task that should only be attempted by the clinically insane. » 3/05/15 3:18pm 3/05/15 3:18pm

For God’s Sake, Shut Up About Credit Cards And Airline Miles

I recently had the opportunity to sit down for lunch with two friends: an investment banker and a business consultant. In other words: I recently had the opportunity to waste an hour of my life discussing credit card rewards and airline miles. » 2/26/15 2:28pm 2/26/15 2:28pm

Signing Your Name Is The Strangest Thing You Do

Recently, I've been thinking a lot about the aliens. Not the illegal immigrant kind; the government seems to have that problem under control, in the sense that there's a heated debate about it every few months, and you have congressmen calling each other names, and shoving each other as they board that little electric… » 2/12/15 2:56pm 2/12/15 2:56pm

You’re Not a Photographer, You’re Just a Teenager With a Nikon

So I'm on Facebook the other day, browsing through pictures of people I went to high school with in order to make sure they aren't happier than me, and I get a notification from somebody I barely know. I'll call her "Sarah," because that's her name. » 2/05/15 2:19pm 2/05/15 2:19pm

Can We Please Stop Arguing About Music?

I recently sat down for lunch with an old friend. It was going well, and we were having a great time, laughing and catching up, until the discussion turned to music. That's when she released the kind of fury that you really only see in those old John McEnroe tennis videos, where the ball bounces out, and the judge… » 1/29/15 2:57pm 1/29/15 2:57pm

Can You Please Stop Talking On Your Cell Phone In Public?

Listen up, ladies and gentlemen! I recently learned a few highly important points that I'd like to share with you. First, I learned that Todd is doing great in college. Solid 3.2 grade-point average, just like his father. I also learned that Lucy is deciding between two colleges, and she's not quite sure which one she… » 1/22/15 3:02pm 1/22/15 3:02pm

Here’s How To Deal With Someone Parking In Front of Your Driveway

I recently had an epiphany. Not a small epiphany, either, like the kind you get when you think there's no food in the house, and you're about to start eating notebook paper, and then you discover a lone bag of popcorn in the back of your pantry. I mean a real epiphany, like when you realize there's an eye in the… » 1/15/15 2:33pm 1/15/15 2:33pm

Here’s What Happened When I Went On Australian Television

I recently became a bona fide television personality. A true, real-life celebrity, if you will; a world-renowned star of the small screen, known globally for my wit and charm. What I mean by this is: I recently spent three minutes on an Australian morning show, where I temporarily forgot the word "ramp." » 1/07/15 2:41pm 1/07/15 2:41pm

Sorry, Automakers: You’ll Never Beat the Porsche 911

So I'm walking around cars and coffee the other day, minding my own business, taking in all the sights, checking out a row of Nissan 370Zs that look identical to one another except for the color and placement of their Stance Nation window decals, and that's when I see it: the Jaguar F-Type Coupe. » 6/03/14 3:56pm 6/03/14 3:56pm